12/6/2014
I am in a super weird mood right now where I can't myself decide whether I am really sad or just overthinking things as usual which in any case makes me sad.
But I really want to write about some of what I feel hoping I will probably read this sometime in future and laugh about it.
I have a very special person in my life whom I love with all my heart. She is my best friend and I can't imagine my life without her. Writing about her and our friendship will take a lot of time which I will probably do some other time.
Sometimes I am just so disappointed that I can't help feeling sad about our friendship.
I feel fed up at times and just don't understand whether we are really best friends or that we have become so used to having each other in our lives that we don't care about it anymore.
I don't know why but I feel like I am always competing for her attention with the new friends in her life.
I keep wondering why I should come secondary to all those people who don't know her the way I do or don't give her the kind of priority and importance I do.
I don't understand whether giving her the most importance in my life is my fault or is it her making new friends or looking for a new relationship.
I recently read this quote " If it is difficult to keep someone, then it will be even more difficult to find them again."
It seems it is difficult for me to keep her happy as a friend which is why she probably always wants to be in a relationship and can't function without one. But I don't want to lose her the way I have lost best friends earlier. I don't want to make a new best friend because I know I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I have been there several times and thanks to a very good lesson recently, I totally hate making new friends now.
It seems to me I have become so over possessive with time that I almost always hate the other new friends my best friend has, since I feel the time and attention I deserve gets divided.
Now that I think about it, I can't believe I am such a big attention seeker that I keep chewing over the fact that my best friend didn't write to me for a day and she has probably gone out with other friends and forgot that I exist..
Its funny after all the times I have told her I can't be best friends with her anymore , I am the one always making up and running after her to be with her again because I know I can't function without her in my life. I have become so used to her being in my life that I hate the thought of making a new friend if she ever leaves me. Let's leave that for another day. The list of things I would do if my best friend leaves me. I have made loads of lists but this is one topic I have never thought about and hope the day doesn't come where I really feel the need to make such a list.
I read somewhere that somethings feel right only on paper. I wonder if that is the way our friendship has become. Other people think we are the best of friends and it feels that way to everyone except me. Although it seems we are the best of friends and we keep texting each other all the time, but that's what we do. We TEXT. We text about everything in our lives all the time but when it comes to talking face to face about our friendship, it feels like neither of us has the strength to do it. I don't really think we have ever talked about the most important issues in our lives face to face.
Its funny that I am the happiest person whenever she plans for a trip to the city I live in and then I am also the saddest person when she doesn't text me at all about her plans or doesn't make an effort or have time to finish the list of places we want to go together that we always make before she comes.
I always think I won't be able to understand her thoughts until I am in a relationship or she might understand my thoughts when she is single with a best friend who is in a relationship..I cannot even say with conviction whether we have the same priority for each other in our lives because I certainly don't feel that way from her side. Either she doesn't express her feelings or I am unable to understand them if she does..Although I don't ever want her to change for my sake because that is something I am totally against but I wish we really valued each other equally and had the easygoing friendship we developed in school time..
Still waiting for that day when we can really open up to each other and face the problems of our friendship because I personally am too afraid and don't have the guts to do it alone..
I have always been afraid of losing the people I love. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is afraid to lose me too..?
13/6/2014
Well..since the weather has been too awesome today, I went to the park after a very long time, thought a lot and finally came to a decision! And I feel lighter and happier now.. I have decided I have been extremely dependent on one person in my life and I will stop doing so. I have been literally on the verge of having OCD. I have been bothering my best friend a lot especially with my insecurities and making big issues out of small things. I have decided I am not going to do this anymore, not going to question anything from her and will listen to her whenever she volunteers to talk to me.
Of course, she will be my best friend forever but I am just not going to put in so much time and energy into this friendship anymore. After all, I should definitely save it up for any future relationship I have (if!)
I must say the quote "expectation is the root cause of all heartache!" is very true for me. I am going to kill all expectations from her and I am sure she doesn't expect much from me too. No expectations, no heartache and a super happy me! I wish I am able to implement this for real...
17/8/2016
Aaaah..2016 it is! I can't stop smiling reading this post..Have I always been like this? Such an over-thinker. Well, I am glad to write that I still have the same best friend without whom I still can't function! I love her more with every passing day and it seems our friendship has also grown up in these years or maybe my point of view has changed. I still feel insecure sometimes but I know for sure, our friendship is very strong and can sustain anything! We have gone through so much together and we still can't spend a day without texting each other. I think I never realized the gravity of her feelings of friendship for me until this year. I seem to have been reassured for life. Cheers to our friendship! :D
I am in a super weird mood right now where I can't myself decide whether I am really sad or just overthinking things as usual which in any case makes me sad.
But I really want to write about some of what I feel hoping I will probably read this sometime in future and laugh about it.
I have a very special person in my life whom I love with all my heart. She is my best friend and I can't imagine my life without her. Writing about her and our friendship will take a lot of time which I will probably do some other time.
Sometimes I am just so disappointed that I can't help feeling sad about our friendship.
I feel fed up at times and just don't understand whether we are really best friends or that we have become so used to having each other in our lives that we don't care about it anymore.
I don't know why but I feel like I am always competing for her attention with the new friends in her life.
I keep wondering why I should come secondary to all those people who don't know her the way I do or don't give her the kind of priority and importance I do.
I don't understand whether giving her the most importance in my life is my fault or is it her making new friends or looking for a new relationship.
I recently read this quote " If it is difficult to keep someone, then it will be even more difficult to find them again."
It seems it is difficult for me to keep her happy as a friend which is why she probably always wants to be in a relationship and can't function without one. But I don't want to lose her the way I have lost best friends earlier. I don't want to make a new best friend because I know I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I have been there several times and thanks to a very good lesson recently, I totally hate making new friends now.
It seems to me I have become so over possessive with time that I almost always hate the other new friends my best friend has, since I feel the time and attention I deserve gets divided.
Now that I think about it, I can't believe I am such a big attention seeker that I keep chewing over the fact that my best friend didn't write to me for a day and she has probably gone out with other friends and forgot that I exist..
Its funny after all the times I have told her I can't be best friends with her anymore , I am the one always making up and running after her to be with her again because I know I can't function without her in my life. I have become so used to her being in my life that I hate the thought of making a new friend if she ever leaves me. Let's leave that for another day. The list of things I would do if my best friend leaves me. I have made loads of lists but this is one topic I have never thought about and hope the day doesn't come where I really feel the need to make such a list.
I read somewhere that somethings feel right only on paper. I wonder if that is the way our friendship has become. Other people think we are the best of friends and it feels that way to everyone except me. Although it seems we are the best of friends and we keep texting each other all the time, but that's what we do. We TEXT. We text about everything in our lives all the time but when it comes to talking face to face about our friendship, it feels like neither of us has the strength to do it. I don't really think we have ever talked about the most important issues in our lives face to face.
Its funny that I am the happiest person whenever she plans for a trip to the city I live in and then I am also the saddest person when she doesn't text me at all about her plans or doesn't make an effort or have time to finish the list of places we want to go together that we always make before she comes.
I always think I won't be able to understand her thoughts until I am in a relationship or she might understand my thoughts when she is single with a best friend who is in a relationship..I cannot even say with conviction whether we have the same priority for each other in our lives because I certainly don't feel that way from her side. Either she doesn't express her feelings or I am unable to understand them if she does..Although I don't ever want her to change for my sake because that is something I am totally against but I wish we really valued each other equally and had the easygoing friendship we developed in school time..
Still waiting for that day when we can really open up to each other and face the problems of our friendship because I personally am too afraid and don't have the guts to do it alone..
I have always been afraid of losing the people I love. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is afraid to lose me too..?
13/6/2014
Well..since the weather has been too awesome today, I went to the park after a very long time, thought a lot and finally came to a decision! And I feel lighter and happier now.. I have decided I have been extremely dependent on one person in my life and I will stop doing so. I have been literally on the verge of having OCD. I have been bothering my best friend a lot especially with my insecurities and making big issues out of small things. I have decided I am not going to do this anymore, not going to question anything from her and will listen to her whenever she volunteers to talk to me.
Of course, she will be my best friend forever but I am just not going to put in so much time and energy into this friendship anymore. After all, I should definitely save it up for any future relationship I have (if!)
I must say the quote "expectation is the root cause of all heartache!" is very true for me. I am going to kill all expectations from her and I am sure she doesn't expect much from me too. No expectations, no heartache and a super happy me! I wish I am able to implement this for real...
17/8/2016
Aaaah..2016 it is! I can't stop smiling reading this post..Have I always been like this? Such an over-thinker. Well, I am glad to write that I still have the same best friend without whom I still can't function! I love her more with every passing day and it seems our friendship has also grown up in these years or maybe my point of view has changed. I still feel insecure sometimes but I know for sure, our friendship is very strong and can sustain anything! We have gone through so much together and we still can't spend a day without texting each other. I think I never realized the gravity of her feelings of friendship for me until this year. I seem to have been reassured for life. Cheers to our friendship! :D
